There are people who appear reserved in relationships, independently, often also emotionally distant. They hardly allow closeness, react to intensive feelings with retreat - and often gain loving partners away unconsciously.
What is often perceived as emotional distancing is an expression of a deeply rooted binding pattern in many cases-the uncertain, avoiding bond. This binding style usually occurs unconsciously in early childhood, often in response to experiences in which emotional needs were ignored or devalued ..
In this article you will learn what the uncertain avoiding bond is exactly how it arises, how affected people behave and what ways there are to enable healing and connection.
Binding: what it means - and why it is so formative
The binding theory, which among other things Developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby assumes that the first relationships in life - especially with caregivers like the mother or father - lay the basis for all later relationship types.
The central question is: Is my need for closeness, protection and consolation answered reliably?
The quality of this early binding influences, as we later deal with other fellow human beings in the partnership, in kindergarten, in the circle of friends or in professional life - emotionally, physically and communicative.
The four most important binding types
In modern binding theory, a distinction is made between four binding types:
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Safe binding style (B-type)
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Uncertain avoiding binding style (A-type)
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Uncertain ambivalent style (C-type)
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Disorganized style (D-Type)
In this article, the focus is on the uncertain avoiding binding style, also known as the A-type-and sometimes shortened as an insecure avoiding bond.
How does an uncertain avoiding bond arise?
Children who develop this binding type have often had the experience that their feelings were not welcome. Her parents or caregivers may not be able to handle closeness, rejected emotional needs or demanded emotional independence at an early stage.
Typical experience in childhood:
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Emotional rejection: tears were ignored or criticized.
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Emphasis on performance instead of emotional connection.
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Cool, distant parents child relationship.
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Education that emphasizes autonomy - without offering security.
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Parents who themselves were emotionally overwhelmed.
In the foreign situation test, which Mary Ainsworth developed to research the binding quality, children with this style showed no visible fear or grief when their caregiver went, even though they were physiologically stressed.
Your behavior shows: If my sewing needs do nothing, I would rather suppress them entirely.
Behavior pattern in the uncertain avoiding bond
1. Independence is overempined
Affected people often live according to the motto: I don't need anyone. Proximity is perceived as a threat to freedom.
2. Difficulties to talk about feelings
Emotions are often rationalized or suppressed. There is no access to your own emotional world.
3. Near and distance alternate
As soon as emotional closeness arises, the withdrawal comes. The partner experiences an interplay in close and cold.
4. Low expectations to others
Many affected people have internalized: Rain no one, then you will not be disappointed.
5. Over -check in everyday life
In order to avoid emotional pain, attempts are made to keep your own life, relationships, even the feelings of others under control.
Effects in partnerships
This binding style can be particularly challenging in the partnership. The uncertainly avoiding person often looks confident, independent and emotionally calm. But there is often deep uncertainty under the surface and the fear of getting lost.
Typical reactions:
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Withdrawal in conflict situations
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Difficulty to say "I love you" or allow closeness
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Avoidance of dependency, even in small moments of everyday life
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Rejection of too many expectations or "too much closeness"
The partner often feels this as a rejection, although it is actually a deep fear of attachment.
Dealing with an uncertain avoiding binding type
If you live or love with a person with an uncertain avoidance, you need a lot of patience, but also clear limits.
What helps:
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Do not take personally if closeness is warded off
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Communicate your own needs clearly
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Check expectations: What can you give - what not?
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Encourage, but do not push
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Give space without losing yourself
It is important: you can't heal anyone, but you can decide whether you want to go this way.
If you are affected yourself
Do you recognize yourself in these patterns? Do you feel restricted quickly, overwhelmed by closeness or deaf for feelings?
Then this is not a personal failure, but the result of an early survival strategy.
What you can do:
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Start with self -observation: When do I switch off? Why?
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Guide a emotional diary: Which situations trigger withdrawal?
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Find out more about binding theory, e.g. B. on content on your favorite website, in podcasts or specialist books.
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Start therapy to process old experiences.
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Learn to recognize and share needs.
Change is possible, with patience, resilience and the right support.
Treatment and therapeutic ways
The uncertain avoiding bond can change in the course of life - especially through conscious work on your own attitudes, through healing relationships and through psychotherapeutic accompaniment.
Effective approaches:
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Binding -oriented psychotherapy
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Body -oriented procedures (e.g. Somatic Experiencing)
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Trauma therapy for deeper wounds
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Pair therapy for the processing of relationship conflicts
- Accompanying coaching with uncertain binding behavior
Particularly important: a safe therapeutic or coaching relationship in which you learn to develop trust.
Love is possible - even with an unsafe binding style
There are no perfect people, no perfect relationships.
But: love is possible :). Also with an uncertainly avoiding binding style.
What it needs:
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Self -awareness
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Courage to be vulnerable
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Openness to new strategies in dealing with closeness
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Partner who go without losing yourself
Binding behavior can change if you set off.
Binding is not a fate - it can be learned
The uncertain avoiding bond is not a fixed definition of your personality. She describes a pattern that you once used and that you may be able to let go today.
You are not wrong. You are not unable to relationship. You are a person with history, with feelings, with the desire for connection.
And that is exactly the beginning: the realization that closeness is not a risk - but an opportunity.
Arrange the contemplate 1: 1 conversation
Category: Binding pattern, status, theory, relationship type, person, role
